The Philosophy of Kissing

Dear Doctor Rude,

I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the difference between the following kisses?

1. Aristotelian kiss
2. Hegelian kiss
3. Wittgensteinian kiss
4. Godelian kiss

Signed,

Flummoxed in Florida

Dear Flummoxed,

That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss

a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss

Dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss

The important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss

A kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

This is by no means an exhaustive list--here are some more of the classic kisses:

Socratic kiss

Really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss

A kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss

A kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss

A kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss

A formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss

Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss

A kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and copy them.

Cartesian kiss

A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss

A hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss

"she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."

Epimenidian kiss

A kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss

A kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss

Shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss

Your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.

Procrustean kiss

Suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.

  

- Doctor Rude

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???

Plato:  For the greater good.

Aristotle:  To fulfill its nature on the other side.

Karl Marx:  It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a

chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,

but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend

with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely

chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its

pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered

within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each

interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be

discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll

find out.

Timothy Leary:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment

would let it take.

Douglas Adams:  Forty-two.

Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road

gazes also across you.

Oliver North:  National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner:  Because the external influences which had pervaded its

sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that

it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be

of its own free will.

Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt

necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical

juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences

into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to

itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into

the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being

which

caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road

crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.

Buddha:  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell:  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing

events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented

avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement

formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable

occurence.

Salvador Dali:  The Fish.

Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the

trees.

Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:  For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die.  In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken

was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were

quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:  'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the

(censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan:  Well,...................

John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the

transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself

of the opportunity.

The Sphinx:  You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow

out of life.

Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mishima:   For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its

sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of

the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden

sexual desire for their exquisite comrade.  The dark courage of the

chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck

by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the

deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no

more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,

whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.

Johnny Cochran:  The chicken didn't cross the road. Some

chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right

under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and

thinking about his family.

Camus:  The chicken's mother had just died.  But this did not really

upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest.  In fact, he

crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.

John Sununu (again):  I would argue that the chicken never crossed the

road at all.  That it is a story concocted by the Clinton

Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture

policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road?

Where, Michael?

Michael Kinsley:  Oh, John, come on!  Everybody knows the chicken

crossed the road.  What evidence do you need?  It's obvious that the

chicken crossed the road.  Your whole argument is just a smoke and

mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled

now back the Democratic Party.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

John.

Siskel:  I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it.  Thumbs

up!

Ebert:  I disagree.  The whole thing left the audience wondering; the

chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the

chicken didn't emote very well.  It couldn't even speak English!

Thumbs down.

Michael Kinsley:  But you both agree it did cross the road, right?

See, John.  I'm right as usual.

Still not convinced? Here are some more http://www.philosophyofaction.com/Why-Did-The-Chicken----.html